because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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