That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
