I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
