You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize