marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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