just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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