Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
