Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Actions speak louder than pants.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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