I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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