apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
