I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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