So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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