New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
