life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
A+ Viking dick
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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