theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
