Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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