Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
