that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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