I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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