I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
