I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
