I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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