I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize