There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
