if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
