Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize