I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
