I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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