i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
