Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
