Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
