she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
