Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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