i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
