dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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