I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My liver just had a heart attack.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
