We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
