After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize