And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I think I just sharted jello shots
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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