How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
