I could make wine with my vomit
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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