I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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