I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
