I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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