I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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