Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
