I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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