It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so let's talk penis.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We have so much sex to catch up on
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
