im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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