yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
