wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
