good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
