I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
