I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
