I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i believe in u and ur pee
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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