I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
