either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think I won the penis lottery.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
