I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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